Mixed Feelings

I have such a strange mix of feelings right now, it's confusing. On the one hand, I've taken on this new building, which is by alternate turns exhilarating and terrifying. Mostly terrifying. I'm responsible for a huge amount of bills every month, and yet, in spite of how good things looked a few weeks ago, people are canceling, events aren't filling up -- it's incredibly stressful. I know in my heart that I'm making the right move, yet at times I regret ever jumping into this, it feels as if it's taking me so much further from where I want to be, which is making art. I know that I'll have to make sacrifices in the short term to make this happen -- and it will be incredible if it all works -- but in the meantime, it's leaving me very frustrated.

I just came from the studio, and I couldn't be more frustrated there, too. I've been walking this line for awhile with my work, and I feel as if I'm being ripped in two. I want to use my artwork to communicate my feelings about the world, especially about the world as it is now. But my process is so intuitive, so stream-of-consciousness, that I have difficulty injecting content that I want there, it just sort of has to emerge. And at the same time, much of the content that emerges is usually silly, & frivolous, and more about beauty and surface than anything political, which is what I really want to discuss.

Working on this piece for the food show has brought me to such a point of extreme artist's block that I wanted to scream tonight. I agreed to be in the show before I really knew how crazy my life would be at this particular time -- building studios, moving the screen shop, putting together the seminar, moving my office & turning the space back into a gallery -- all while trying to put together Art-O-Mart and freaking out about money...is it any wonder I'm struggling? Of course, I have to finish the piece for the show, but unfortunately, I couldn't be less interested, and the piece shows it. I'm left turning in something that feels like I'm coasting -- it feels empty. I don't want to show it, but I don't feel I have a choice. And there's going to be such strong work in the show -- I hate being in this position. And it's not that I'm just blocked -- I'm incredibly frustrated, I want to work, but I'm not able to work on the pieces I'm inspired to, since I have agreed to this "assignment". (Now several days late, too, which compromises my professionalism.)

This makes me realize a couple of things:
1. I need to say no to all theme shows, unless my work already fits the theme. I'm forcing myself into an illustrator mode by accepting the task, and it feels really uncomfortable right now. I didn't feel like I could say no to this one, since it was a good friend who curated the show, but since I seem to be in this mode where the theme of the work emerges, it doesn't seem right to force it.

2. I feel I've gotten lazy about the fundamentals, and it's time to work on the basics. I need to draw, go to life drawing maybe, start getting some discipline back in the studio, and still focus on the business. I also really need to work on my career stuff as much as the business -- it's so hard to balance it all. I'm overwhelmed right now. I know it won't always be this way, but right now, I'm juggling a hundred knives.

3. I need to get much better about time management. I had time to go to the studio today, and stopped into Capsule to do a few things, and just wound up dealing with phone calls, and emails, and everything else. God, I need an assistant bad. I need to get another intern in there, pronto.

4. Website needs to be top priority, after the move. This goes with time management and answering phone calls.

5. I really, really need to do more reading, and more writing. I need to get to the bottom of some of the conceptual quandaries in my work right now, and there's no way around it but through it. I do NOT want to become one of those artists that phones it in, and that's definitely what I've done with this piece. Yeah, people might sort of like it, I don't think by far it will be the worst thing in the show, but honestly -- it's not my best work. It doesn't hold together, and it doesn't have anything to say. It's not my best effort, and I never want to put myself into a position again where I feel like that about something that I'm putting in the public. Just because I can get away with it, doesn't mean I should.

6. I need to get organized. In my head, in my home, in my office, on the computer desktop even. It's really time -- my messy desk and messy house and messy mind are holding me back.

And finally, I need to be less hard on myself, in spite of everything I said above. Yes, I need to do all of the things I just said, but I'm not a superhuman, and I need to stop scheduling my life as though I am. It's living, not a horse race. The pressure to get things off the ground is high, partly because I want to feel like I have a life again. I need to make time for the things I like to do, not just what I need to do.

Of course, for the time being, I just need to try to get through the next month. It's going to be a very, very bumpy ride.