Bully Boy

I was perusing Rants and Raves on Craigslist, where the topic of Columbine had reared it's head again. In one post, I read this:

In my eyes, Dyland Klebold and Eric Harris don't even deserve graves, as their memory is one that should be forgotten as quickly as possible.


Ever hear the phrase, "those that would forget the past are condemned to repeat it?"

First of all, saying they don't deserve graves is retarded -- as fucked up as their lives were, they were essentially children. Children who had been very, very let down by society. How many years did they cry for help before their personality disorders became entrenched? And what's more, as screwed up as their families were to NOT help them, it's difficult to believe that they weren't loved by someone. Graves are for the living, not for the dead.

And secondly, their graves should be MONUMENTS. Monuments to show what happens when people are treated unfairly, bullied, and abused. Monuments to show that you can only push so far before someone will snap. If everyone want to believe that these things happen in a vacuum, they'll only continue to happen again and again.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not in any way defending the actions of these two misguided young men. The entire episode is a tragedy, and while the initial reaction is shock and horror, it's important to remember that we, as a society, created that tragedy and continue to do it every day. Condemning the perpetrators and then hiding our heads in the sand solves nothing.

I was bullied mercilessly all the way through school, and what I was told by my parents, my teachers, and any other adult was to "ignore" the bulliers. Ignore them? Ignore someone who's spitting on you, punching you, tripping you, and abusing you? What the fuck good does that do? It was only when I began fighting back that I gained any sense of self-esteem, and lo and behold, it's also when I was labelled a "bad kid" and punished, regardless of who started it. In my case, I think the experiences made me a stronger person, although rich kids still make me cringe. But what of them? Those bullies went out into the world learning that you can treat people however you like with no consequences. The adults in our world failed us both. It took me years of therapy to come to terms with what was done to me in school, and for many of those years I was trying to convince the therapists that no, my parents didn't abuse me. They did something equally bad, they neglected my abuse at the hands of others, but it really was those others that caused my problems in the end.

Now that I work with kids, I see bullying for what it really is -- the bullier is the one crying for help, too. Kids bully to get attention, they bully because they feel insecure, they bully because they think that dominating someone else will make their world better somehow. The bulliers are the ones that are actually screwed up, but they, in turn, make the bullied screwed up too. And when you talk to their parents about the problems, the response is almost predictable -- disbelief that their little angel would ever do such a thing! Is it any wonder that these kids rarely get the help their screaming for?

I'm willing to bet that Klebold and Harris' problems started their first years in school, and continued ignored for enough years to turn them into sociopaths. The people to blame are every bit as much the ones who looked the other way, the ones who put a band-aid on a bullet-hole.

Every single one of us has seen someone bullied, whether as kids or as adults -- what have YOU done when you've witnessed these acts of aggression? I'm willing to bet that most of you have turned away, not wanting to get involved, minded your own business. If that's you, then go look in the mirror: the person staring back at you is as much the problem as the bully. If you really want there to be no more Klebold's or Harris', then do something about it. Stand up for someone else when they're being agressed by another. Wouldn't you want someone to do it for you?