In fact, every time I hear an x-mas song in a store (and really, can you enter a store without hearing an x-mas song?) I find myself gnashing my teeth. I feel downright resentful this year that I have to pretend I'm interested in a holiday that I've never much cared about, but especially in light of what I've been going through lately. I am just too sad to give a damn about Christmas this year, unfortunately, and I'm not one that's good at going through obligatory motions.
What galls me, though, is this expectation from people that you must get into the "Christmas Spirit". I swear -- if you are the least bit honest about the fact that you're not feeling the cheer, people practically try to badger you into it. I actually screamed at my Mother (a certifiable loon when it comes to all things holiday) that I just don't give a rat's ass! I think the reason suicides go up at this time of year is just the damned pressure to participate in fake cheerfulness.
I'm NOT cheerful right now. If I were, given what I've been going through, I would think there's something wrong with me. Meeting others' cheerfullness demands has not ever been high on my agenda in the first place, but this year in particular it's making me extremely testy. In fact, one particularly pushy and insincere person was going through the whole, "come on, what's wrong with you, everyone loves x-mas" routine with me, and I almost relished the look on his face when I said, "well, actually, one of my best friends just commited suicide". He had no idea what to say, and beat a hasty retreat. I hope it teaches him some compassion, where do people get off trying to tell others how they should feel?
Sorry to be such a grinch. But thank you for allowing me the room to vent.
